Well, I say, time for a list for the new (well, my) generation. With a mix of all eras, times, and styles. A definitive (according to me) list of films that every gay man should see.
And to make things more palatable, I've condensed them into 5 deliciously bite sized chunks to be enjoyed at your leisure.
Start with something obvious. Julie Andrews is dizzyingly
famous for two movies. One of those involved her getting Dicked by everyone's
favourite Van-Dyke, and the other was
The Sound of Music.
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| Spinning on hills was all the rage |
Andrews is also sort of famous as being the gay man's
'clean' alternative to Judy Garland. She'd be more likely to OD on Jacob's
Crackers than Barbituates. HOWEVER she has a set of lungs to be rivalled and
The Sound of Music is her most memorable screen role that did not involve
cockney chimney sweeps.
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| 16 going on horny |
Why is Sound of Music so beloved by gays? Is it the nuns? Is
it the clothes made of curtains? Is it the twinky nazi who tries to woo Liesel
when she is '16 going on 17'?
Pah. What “The Sound of Music” really boils down to is love
that endures in the face of adversity. Maria is a Nun who falls in love with
the dashing Captain Von Trap, the first and comparatively simple obstacle.
Through the support of Mother-Superior (despite her foul-mouthed
cunt-facedness) Maria loses the habit of nun-hood and is able to sample the
earthly delights of the Captain's Von Trapp (look, I just made the same crap
joke about Dick Van Dyke and Captain Von Trapp).
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| Captain Von Sexy |
But then after all the faffing
hilarity of lonely goatherds and yodelleying yodellying yodel-ey-hi-hooo the
big obstacle of Nazism rears it's ugly face. Faced with the Captain's option of
joining the Nazi Party (famed for its recruitment call of 'Don't be Stupid, Be
a Smartie') or identifying himself as an enemy of the state, the Von Trapp clan
climb every mountain and flee to Switzerland for freedom.
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| You can't go wrong with Nuns |
As a gay favourite, what can leave a bitter taste is the fact
that few gay couples found by the Nazis would have been able to have enjoyed such
a fairytale ending, being condemned to die in concentration camps or be rescued
by their home countries.... only to end up back in prison.
Still, bitter realities aside, Sound of Music remains a
favourite and an absolute staple of 'gay cinema' … unlike most of my
choices..... maybe.
Beautiful Thing
Probably the best male/male love story ever committed to
film. Very British, Working-Class and 90s. The movie was revolutionary at the
time as it showed contemporary audiences that people could be gay even if they
were young, British and Working Class.
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| *thud* Definitely Gay. |
Seriously though, the movie is
incredibly sweet and portrays the boys as everyday lads who happen to be gay (i.e.
not screaming stereotypes). For extra gay appeal (just in case two horny
teenage boys isn’t enough to get you going) they have a sassy black friend, one
of their mother’s is Bad Girls Top Dog Yvonne Atkins, and the soundtrack is
almost entirely made up of Mama Cass songs.
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| Why did Bad Girls have to end? |
There’s little else to say about this film except watch it.
NOW.
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| Complete with sassy black friend |
The Birdcage
The Birdcage is a movie which, unlike the previous movie
mentioned, is made up of nothing but screaming stereotypes. And one of the characters
is one of the biggest most screaming stereotypes ever to grace the screen. And
is played by Nathan Lane. The Birdcage is a movie that must be seen to be
believed. And to be loved.
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| Nathan Lane relaxing between scenes |
For anyone who has yet to see the movie effectively it can be
summed up thus: Two gay men run a drag club and their 20-something son (the
product of the slightly-more masculine partner who had a one night stand) wants
to marry his jailbait super-skinny girlfriend Ally McBeal, who is the daughter
of an ultra-conservative Republican politician. How do they disguise the fact
that the groom’s parents are two gay men? Nathan Lane dresses up as a
housewife. And, as you can guess, hilarity happens.
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| The hilarity only a man dressing as a woman can invoke |
Oh, and should also mention, Nathan Lane’s slightly-more
masculine partner is played by Robin Williams, who actually acts in this film
rather than just doing the normal Robin Williams shtick.
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| Robin Williams. Occasionally, can act. |
The gays are stereotypes. The Republicans are stereotypes.
Everyone is a stereotype.
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| And Calista Flockhart is very very skinny |
But it’s funny. And it’s fabulous. Robin Williams enjoyed the
whole man-dressing-up-as-a-woman aspect that he employed it again himself in
the movie Mrs Doubtfire (sorry, but that’s not on the list). Though instead of
acting he just employs the normal Robin-Williams shtick.
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| Aside: The Maid is played by Hank Azaria, now better known as Moe from The Simpsons |
Oh, I should also mention that The Birdcage is a remake of a
French movie “La Cage aux Folles”, but I assume that gays don’t want to read
subtitles. And besides, Nathan Lane isn’t in it.
Rent
RENT! The film of the musical. Often referred to as the ‘AIDS
show’, as the majority of the cast are HIV+, and struggling to get through life
in the early 90s, when the mortality rate for living with the virus was
devastatingly high. However, Rent is not a relentless, preachy depressing dirge
of a movie. That would be Philadelphia (that’s not on the list either).
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| RENT! Exclamation mark for emphasis |
RENT! Is a wonderful celebration of the weird and wonderful,
the homos and the bohos, and affirms life more than it dwells on death. The
deliciously eclectic cast also throw stereotypes firmly out of the window, and
characters are hetero/homo/bi or other without their labels being commented on,
only their relationships with the other characters.
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| Angel. Because she's awesome. |
Styling itself as a ‘Rock Opera’ rather than a musical, the
songs are all immensely catchy and hummable. The majority of the cast are the
same as featured in the original broadway run and that includes super gay
favourite Idina Menzel (aka the original Elphaba).
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| Idina does Catwoman. At least it's not Halle Berry |
Oh, this one gets another disclaimer. Rent was originally
based on the opera ‘La Boheme’ by Puccini. He’s the guy that did Madame
Butterfly.
Pillow Talk
Pillow Talk is one of about 100 movies where Girl-Next-Door
Doris Day is romanced by Macho Gay Rock Hudson with Camp Straight Tony Randall
serves as an unbelievable love rival.
It is, however, easily the best.
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| And the best at patticake |
It also features a broef subplot where Doris' bezzie thinks Rock may be a homo. Pfft. As if.
For some bizarre reason when I was younger I used to love
Doris Day. Watching her films, listening to her music, wearing her clothes…. Um.
It’s undeniable that she was a huge gay icon of the golden Hollywood era, and
her connections to Rock Hudson has only helped cement her gay icon status.
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| They don't make movie posters like they used to |
As such, compiling a list of the 50 movies every gay man
should watch, and omitting a Doris Day film, would make me feel dirty.
Pillow Talk takes us back to a simpler time, where women were
women, men were men (even if they liked a bit of cock on the side) and Tony
Randal was Tony Randall. Laugh, Smile, and sing along to the theme tune with
gay frivolity.
Oh, and even if Doris may have went a bit batshit in her old
age (being a George W Bush supporter) just remember her as she was in her
prime. The girl next door that was worth a few million. Ah, simpler days.
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| Rock Hudson and Tony Randall. Both totally straight. |
Hocus Pocus
I have an announcement to make. Any movie starring Bette
Midler is immediately inherently gay. Beaches. Gypsy. Big Business. Errr,
Ruthless People. Any. Why? Because Bette Midler is the biggest and loudest fag
hag the world has ever seen. Seriously. They don’t call her Bathouse Betty for
nothing.
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| Bathouse Betty.... Faaaaaabulous. |
But Hocus Pocus is especially gay. The uneducated may think
that Hocus Pocus is a harmless family friendly film about witches that they can
plonk the kids in front of on Halloween when they can’t be arsed to take them
out trick-or-treating. But they’d be WRONG! Hocus Pocus is a big fat gay movie
and the people making it had no doubts about it.
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| The Sanderson Sisters |
For a start, BETTE MIDLER is in it. Her and Kathy Najimy (the
fat Nun from Sister Act) have characters that veer between being glamorous old
evil witch lesbians and glamorous old evil with fag hags. Oh, and they’re
supposed to be sisters. They have a third sister played by Sarah Jessica Parker
(You know, Sex and the City) in easily the BEST role of her career (by far,
seriously) who’s character is a raving slag, nymphomaniac and possible
hebephile (at one point she says of a teenage boy “hang him on a hook and let
me play with him”).
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| Oh, and there's a talking cat |
Basically, in 1993 Disney were MUCH more daring in what they
could get away with in a movie that was marketed as ‘Family Friendly’ compared to
what they are like now – they probably wouldn’t even have a movie which heavily
features Halloween for fear of offending frothing right-wing loonies.
A large part of the story revolves around teenage hero Max (Omri
Katz) being a virgin and how much he lusts after his classmate Allison’s
(Vinessa Shaw – she never acted again. At least I’venot seen her in anything)
yabbos (tits) and is suitably ridiculed by his younger sister Dani (Thora Birch
– do not get confused with Thora Hird) – “Way to go, virgin”.
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| Everyone's favourite virgin... in a tie-dye top |
It’s also INCREDIBLY easy to read a massive gay subtext into
the character of Max (by incredibly easily, read deliberately intended by the
film makers who then cast Bette Midler). Max is neither a nerd nor one of the
cool gang. He’s just different enough to not be able to make friends easily,
and most of his new schoolmates see him as weird (ostensibly because he’s from
the Big City but whatever). He is immediately drawn to Allison (a very strong
and assertive female character) and despite his protestations is clearly very close
to his little sister Dani. He’s also played by Omri Katz who, when you are a
gay ten year old boy when you first see the movie, it’s very easy to get a
crush on (Katz was 16-7 when he filmed the movie and I’d like to clarify this
is when I was ten not now :p). Katz is also famous (OK, not famous, but sort of
well known by a few losers who know too much about 80s television) as being the
longest-running actor to play JR’s son John Ross on Dallas. Max may allegedly
be lusting after Allison’s yabbos and wanting to kiss her now but in a few
years they’ll be going shoe shopping and talking about boys.
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| "Hey girlfriend, he is HOT!" |
It should also be noted that one of the bullies (Ice) is
played by the guy that would later be a peripheral gay character on Buffy the
Vampire Slayer, and Max and Dani’s mother spends most of her scenes dressed up
as Blonde Ambition era Madonna, complete with cones.
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| Enjoy that. |
Christopher and His
Kind
Hello? Just to make sure you’re still here.
This biopic of Christopher Isherwood, based on his own
memoirs.
And really, all that needs to be said – Matt Smith in hot
steamy gay sex scenes.
Ok, that got your attention back.
The Adventures of Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert
Here’s one that probably (hopefully?) needs little
explanation.
A classic of gay, Australian cinema (not there’s that many
Gay Australian Movies I expect). And a title that’s a bigger mouthful than a
gay porn star’s cock (careful).
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| Faaabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
The titular Priscilla is nothing more than a run down old
tour bus, but yay she houses in her three fabulous drag queens (or, 2 drag
queens and a transsexual woman).
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| It's a bus! |
Hugo Weaving (Mr Smith from the Matrix), Guy Pearce (he was
in Neigbours) and Terence Stamp (Um, the Ghost Butler in Eddie Murphy’s Hanted
Mansion) are the fabulous threesome who journey the Ozzie Outback and encounter
adventure and prejudice in equal measure.
Just no-one mention Cynthia’s special ping-pong trick.
 | ||
| BLAAAAHDY HELLLLLL! |
The Talented Mr Ripley
Now the first movie which has a cross over with ‘things I
used to wank over when I was 15’ (we didn’t have the internet). Based on the
first of the Ripley books by Patricia Highsmith, this is an intelligent,
exciting, sexy and homoerotic thriller.
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| Sexual Tension. |
Matt Damon stars as ‘Tom Ripley’, who weeds his way into the
life of Dickie Greenleaf (Jude Law – and I’m not ashamed to say the scene of
him bathing and then leaving completely naked is the aforementioned wank
material. I so know how to make this blog classy). Ripley and Dickie grow
closer (leading to homoerotic moment upon homoerotic moment) until…. Well that’d
spoil the film for you! Also features Blythe Danner’s daughter as Dickie’s fiancée/Ripley’s
love rival and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as an old friend of Dickie’s.
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| Jude Law's legendary arse |
Phillip Seymour Hoffaman is actually so good in this movie
that I hated him for about ten years (you’re supposed to hate his character)
but now he’s dead so you can’t say anything bad about him.
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| Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Played Truman Capote once. |
Special mention to Jack Davenport, who pops up as another
love interest for Ripley near the end (and is undeniably, openly, gay)… I
always fancied him in This Life.
Interview with the
Vampire
Look, we all know it. Vampires are gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. Tom
Cruise is gay and in a transparent closet. Brad Pitt is generally sexy and
beloved by gays. And wrap them all up in a big old gay costume drama and throw
in Christian Slater and big old gay musical theatre type friend of Madonna, Antonio
Banderas.
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| Tom Cruise. Limp Wristed. |
Tom Cruise is a whiney old miserable sour faced old queen,
er, vampire, Lestat. He wants a companion to spend eternity with. And so he
chooses Brad Pitt (well, wouldn’t you?). They then adopt a young daughter and
raise her together (Kirsten Dunst in a pre-Spiderman role). That’s pretty much
all you need to know about this gay old movie.
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| Kristen Dunst was once a child. |
The film was based on a book by occasional horror writer,
occasional Evangelical Christian Anne Rice. Rice’s plethora of vampire books
are much loved by anaemic sexually ambiguous goths worldwide, but most critics
agree the movie of Interview is the pinnacle of anything related to Rice’s vampire mythos.
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| Brad sucks in the mythos. |
To this day, Rice veers between embracing her Vampire
literature and gay son and rejecting them both in favour of the almighty Jesus.
Although to my knowledge even in her ‘reject’ days she’s still happy to live
off the ill-gotten gains and luxuries she acquired through her evil books. What
would Jesus say?
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| Probably "I'd like to shag those two" |
..... The next ten coming soon.
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