50 ESSENTIAL MOVIES FOR GAY MEN (Part 2)

Grease 2

Blasting into Part 2 of my epic list, it’s time to revel in this super movie sequel.

Grease is STILL the word...

The first Grease movie, based on the long running stage show, was a sexist testosterone-fuelled musical with a nasty taste in the mouth and a TERRIBLE moral to the story about having to change who you are to find true love. BALONEY! Oops, sorry for challenging my inner Judy. Yeah yeah its got gay auzzie fave Olivia Newton John and the wonderful character of Rizzo (as played by Stockhard Channing) but my advice to all gays is watch her perform ‘There are worse things I could do’ then avoid the rest of the film at all costs.

There are worse things I could do... than wear a pair of stupid sunglasses

Grease 2, however, is a fantastic and fabulous romp with great songs and a great moral to the story about not needing to change who you are and finding happiness regardless.

Starring the frankly awesome Michelle Pfeifer and the undeniably gorgeous Maxwell Caulfield as Stephanie and Michael, the leading couple in what is a gender-flipped inversion of the original Grease. 

And I don't mean that Caulfield used to be a woman

Stephanie is the ball-busting feisty daydreamer that leads the current clique of Pink Ladies, a rag tag bunch of bimbos with bad hairstyles and boob jobs. Before Michael swaggers on to the scene she is the on-again off-again girl of the T-Bones, errr, T-Birds’ latest leader, diminutive and squeaky little Johnny. By that I mean he was on, and she was totally off…. Effectively it’s the men that cement this movie as a gay classic. In that they’re all vastly inferior to the women.

Though they could be Simon Cowell's biggest act since Mr Blobby

Johnny on paper could have been a formidable, mean and dangerous character. In execution he’s a whiney little bitch boy who gets walked over by the women. He wants Stephanie despite being with Paulette, and if he can’t have Steph, no one else can have her, especially not English ponce Michael.

Last seen in Emmerdale

The thing is, the casting and interpretation of the character by the actor (no I can’t be arsed to Google the actor’s name, like you’d have any idea who he was) removes any threat that may have been there originally. And satisfyingly, Johnny loses Paulette (did I mention she looks like a blonder, younger version of Linda LaHughes from Gimme Gimme Gimme?) until he wins her back by, RESPECTING her! Because she has the force of character to piss off when he starts disrespecting her ass by going after Steph and declaring ‘ownership’ of the women.

You tell me she doesn't look like Linda La Hughes!

The other women are equally strong-willed. Sharon spurs Louis after he tries to trick her into sex and he has to win her back by treating her like a human being.

After Michael bewitches women and menfolk alike with his secret alter-ego’s impressive motorcycle skills and Stephanie has a serious neurological episode at a school concert, Johnny and the other T-Bones, uh, Birds accept Michael as an equal and everyone sings about how much they love each other and have respective jump-and-freeze-frame exits from the film.

No comment...

Of course there’s so much more to love about this film. The not-at-all-camp little marys that sing the Sandman song, the filthy blonde slut Ms Mason who looks like she just stepped off a bad porn movie, who is lusted after by all school-boys and in turn lusts after biology hunk Mr Stewart, and all the great, toe-tapping, sing-along songs. Movie sequels never got this good. Well, until later in the list…

Connie & Carla Do LA

Ok, so first you take Sister Act. Then you replace Whoopi Goldberg with that Big Fat Greek Woman and Muriel from Muriel’s Wedding (another gay Oz movie? Oh fuck. Well there are only 2 so they don’t deserve to have more than one movie in the 50), replace the Nuns with Drag Queens, and throw in Mulder from the X Files as well.

That is basically all you need to know about Connie & Carla Do LA . Well, until you watch it.

Toni Colette & Nia Vardos at the premiere

To mis-quote the blurb from Madonna’s Confessions album, Connie & Carla Do LA is a non-stop, all-laugh, tour de force. It is absolutely, undeniably, laugh-out loud hilarious from start to finish. As well as being incredibly offensive and providing a horrendously stereotypical depiction of gay men, gay clubs, and drag queens. But it’s funny. So who the fuck cares.

Not these guys, thats for sure

The film is also an absolute unrestrained celebration of gay clubs, gay culture and classical musicals, and even features a cameo from Debbie Reynolds, who briefly sings ‘there are worse things I could do’ (there’s a tenuous link to the last entry).

Hey, I'd forgotten Conchita Wurst was in this

If you are now desperately trying to find this film as I’ve sold it to you so much, you may want to try dropping the ‘Do LA’ from the title. For some reason following the UK cinema release they did this. However as I saw it in the old Virgin Multiplex in Newport (now a Cineworld) with a dear old friend of mine (and raving homosexual) who laughed much louder than is socially acceptable in the UK (he’s from India) when it was shown under it’s original title of Connie & Carla Do LA, to me, Connie & Carla Do LA is what it shall forever be called.

Mulder after his latest anal probe

My Own Private Idaho

You're living in your own Private Idaho
Living in your own Private Idaho
Underground like a wild potato.
Don't go on the patio.
Beware of the pool,
Blue bottomless pool.
It leads you straight…..

"Did you just slip something in?"

With a title inspired by the B-52s and a storyline inspired by Shakespeare (OK, I didn’t know that last part until I saw it on the IMDB page - at least I’m honest), My Own Private Idaho is everyone’s favourite movie about rent boys (with the exception of Triga Presents Council Estate Fuck Whores Volume 5).

Starring River Phoenix and Keanu Fucking Reeves. But then of course no-one wants to be fucking Keanu Fucking Reeves and everyone wants to be fucking River Phoenix. The film depicts the story of two perennial friends who search for the long lost mother of one of them. And yes, I only used the word perennial there because you might double take and think I said perineum friends.

Because I'm childish like that

Beautiful, touching and sexy, the iconic status of this film has been risen by the untimely death of the sexually ambiguous Phoenix.

Hype aside, it’s still a brilliant film that deserves a watch, and is certainly more entertaining that anything else Keanu Reeves has been in.

Except maybe the second Bill & Ted movie

The Little Mermaid

An underwater princess wants more to her life than she currently has.

She hangs out with a crab and does a dark deal with a morbidly obese drag queen.

He's a crab. And he sings. What more could you want?

This enables her to meet the hunky and delicious Prince.

Although, in exchange for legs, she loses her voice. Which is appropriated by the aforementioned drag queen after she uses similar mumbo-jumbo to look less like a morbidly obese drag queen and more like a cheap corner hooker.

But still not as cheap as Ariel

Shenanigans happen, evil Drag Queen is defeated, and good little mermaid princess whatever girl gets the guy.

And a dog, too!

Of course, subtext is everything, though as we can see the text itself without the sub is gay enough. The reason this movie attracts such a strong gay following…. Um from a subtextual standpoint anyway…. Is the simple story of someone having to somehow ‘change’ something about them to secure the affections of their beau. OK, who am I kidding, we just love Ursula.

 

Fabulous, Darling!

There’s basically nothing that isn’t gay about this movie. The original VHS release even had a giant penis on the cover.

 

Batman

Remember Robin, drinkers are people too. And gays are movie-watchers. As if you didn’t know…

Following the success of the ADAM WEST tv series, some genius studio bod had the idea to greenlight a big-budget, All-Batman, tour-de-force feature presentation starring everyone’s favourite crime-fighting duo.

Duh-nuh, nuh-nuh, duh-nuh, nuh-nuh BATMAN!

And what a gay old time that turned out to be.

Nothing beats an early morning run, Robin

For those that don’t know, the movie featured a middle-aged man in his tights, teamed up with his young teenage boy protégé, who face up to a glamorous femme fatale in leathers, and a bunch of men who like make up and extravagant costumes far too much.

Just your average Monday night in Soho

Julie Newmar was busy having her leathers cleaned so failed to make the transition to the big screen, instead being replaced by Lee Meriwether as Catwoman. And it may be sacrilege to say so, but Meriwether was great. Miaow.

Just thank God it's not Halle Berry

The thing is of course, while the 60s Batman movie is an all-out, balls-out, camp fest of epic performances, all of the Batman movies are gayer than Noel Coward’s smoking jacket.

That's pretty gay...

An eccentric reclusive billionaire who’s only constant companions are some old ponce and occasionally a young teenage boy who winds up living with him for … some reason or another. And he likes to spend his time brooding around caves in heavy fetish gear and cruising out at night to bash men up.

And the less said about Bane the better.

Pfft. This is tame for some of the clubs I've been to.

Return to Oz

Oh look another sequel.

You may be thinking I’ve lost it slightly by including this 1980s sequel rather than the cinematic epic from 1939 starring tortured drug addict Judy Garland. But from a gay perspective, Return is much more deeply entrenched in queerness than the original movie. And it’s also better.

Now this is REALLY wicked!!

Dorothy has been troubled by deeply disturbing gay feelings, uh, memories of Oz, and as such her Aunt and Uncle take her to a radical Quack for revolutionary gay conversion therapy, uh, electric shock treatment.

Falling in with another of the Doc’s patients, shenanigans ensue, and Dorothy finds herself back in the Land of Oz. Dorothy finds the Land of Oz in ruins, following the dictatorship of the evil Nome King.

There's also this fat little metal man. Just go with it.

With her old pals turned to stone, Dorothy sets out to thwart the King and return peace to Oz. Along the way she meets the Nome King’s right-hand woman, the villainous Mombi. Mombi is one of the best characters ever committed to film, and Jean Marsh provides a show-stealing performance. Mombi is a glamorous yet grotesque woman who has a large supply of heads which she changes like outfits. Obvious parallels can be drawn between Mombi and a flamboyant old (evil) Drag Queen who uses wigs, costumes and make up to transform themselves into a variety of looks.

Knows how to give good head.

Dorothy saves the day (well, duh) and returns back home at the end of the film. The films over-all themes of oppression, prejudice, and escapism are strongly empathetic to gay audiences. Dorothy learns that as much as she loves escaping to the  land of Oz, she has to face her problems in the real world, and can’t keep on living life as a fantasy.

  

Werk!!!

Oh, and if that’s all not gay enough for you, the Scissor Sisters recorded a song called Return to Oz. (It’s a song about a gay man who kills himself via his meth habit so, yeah….)

Moulin Rouge

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! OKAY! I cracked and included Moulin Rouge in this list. I mean, how could I not? Gay people would chase after me with pitchforks otherwise and scream for my head.

Because gay people, like these guys, love Moulin Rouge

Moulin Rouge is a patchwork quilt of a movie, compiling spectacle, romance, pop-culture, hit songs, and a gaudy colour scheme all set against the backdrop of turn-of-the century Bohemian Paris.

Despite being a film depicting the story of a doomed and diseased prostitute entangled in a messy love triangle between a poor writer (the love of her life) and a rich Duke (the man who has the power to keep the titular Moulin Rouge from closing), the film is a tremendous amount of fun.

Because prostitution is fun

Nicole Kidman is glamorous and fabulous as the aforementioned prostitute, Satine, and the costumes, hair and make up of all the women in their burlesque glory is enough to give your average drag queen tips for the next few months. 

Especially from Jim Broadbent

While Ewan McGregor mopes around after Kidman, the other men try their hardest to out-camp each other as much as possible. Jim Broadbent as the Ringmaster, Richard Roxburgh (he’s Australian) as the Duke, and John Leguizamo (that won’t be the last time you see that name) as real-life artist Toulouse Lautrec. 

The real Lautrec was much scarier

Essentially, the whole film is a big a staple of gay parties as the Eurovision Song Contest. If you haven’t spontaneously burst into song at least three times by the time Nicole Kidman croaks at the end then…. Actually, there is no then, as there’s no chance you won’t have.

And one more thing...

Oh, and did I mention Kylie has a cameo right at the start? I didn’t? Well, Kylie has a cameo right at the start.

The Delinquents

Believe it or not Kylie has been in the odd movie here or there (see how I effortlessly tied this to the previous entry), this however is her biggest role (yes, even bigger than Street Fighter).

Please pass the brain bleach...

Forget what I said about Australia not having many gay movies. Because this movie is Australian. Although I’m only tenuously managing to class this as a gay movie so go back to what I originally said about gay Australian cinema…. OK now I’m confused. Time to start again.

See what I did there?

The Delinquents is a story of two star crossed lovers in miserable, grey, 1950s Australia. Kylie is L-O-L-A Lola, and some guy you’ve never heard of is her love interest Brownie. (Random fact: After we first saw this movie on TV at stupid o clock in the morning me and my housemate spouted Kylie’s line ‘Make love to me Brownie!’ at least once a day for the next six months.)

Make Love to me Brownie!... no, seriously...

The whole depressing affair includes all girls schools, forced abortion, and plenty of seamen. And, without spoiling it, the film-makers didn’t even have the decency to kill them off in the end, instead opting to marry them off happily ever after. Yawn.

Someone thought they were doing a poster for Grease

The film was, er, filmed, hot on the heels of Kylie’s stint in Neighbours, and was released after she’d already established her smash-hit pop career in the UK. And the whole thing is unintentionally hilarious from start to finish. Stock up on the  booze and laugh with gay abandon as Charlene Robinson squawks her way through the diabolical script and pouts at the camera.

Kylie 'doing a Gabrielle'

Oh, and inexplicably Kylie’s version of ‘Tears on My Pillow’ that she recorded for the movie was a massive Number 1 hit. Guess there’s no accounting for taste.

Cruel Intentions

Apparently Cruel Intentions is a modern day (well, 1999) remake of another film called Dangerous Liaisons. Apparently. I’ve never seen Dangerous Liaisons so can’t really comment.

John Malkovich in a wig... I don't WANT to see it

What I can tell you though is how Cruel Intentions is one of those rarities, a good movie about American ‘teenagers’. Ryan Phillipe is sex-hungry private schoolboy Sebastien, step-brother of sex-hungry coke-addict private schoolgirl Kathryn (played by Sarah Michelle ‘Buffy’ Gellar). Between lusting after each other, they have a bet that Sebastien can’t win the heart (and the knickers) of the beautiful virginal Annette (Reece ‘Legally Blonde 2’ Witherspoon).

That’s pretty much it. But it’s good. Oh boy is it good. At least I watched the movie about a hundred times when I was 16 and loved it, and have never seen it since I turned 17. But I trust my 16 year old self implicitly.

Why is it gay? Well, duh. It’s got Buffy the Vampire Slayer in it as a super coke-head slag. It’s got sex, melodrama, and Ryan Phillipe’s arse.

Like you wouldn't

Oh, and it’s got Pacey from Dawsons Creek in it as a gay guy. And he lies on his bed in his boxer shorts and snogs a football jock then talks about blow jobs.

Joshua Jackson 'acts gay' by dying his hair blonde

OK, so this one may be less a movie for gays and more specifically ‘movies for gay teenager in the late 90s’. 

Like these guys.

 A Star is Born

Look, it's a musical starring Judy Garland, and was later remade with Barbra Streisand.

  

Does it get any gayer than that?

Part 3 coming soon...