50 ESSENTIAL MOVIES FOR GAY MEN (Part 3)

 

Brokeback Mountain

Welcome to Part 3, and now it’s time for one that’s so obvious it’s bordering on boring just by mentioning it… but I kinda feel like I have to. Brokeback Mountain is basically the gay answer to Titanic.

Now there's a question no one asked

 

Jake Gyllenhaal stars as Jack (sorta Kate Winslett) and Heath Ledger stars as Ennis (sorta Leonardon DiCaprio), two cowboys (well, more like shepherds really, but I digress) who find work on the titular Brokeback Mountain, and then find love with each other. They continue coming back every summer for hardcore gay sex despite both settling down with women. The movie depicts a complex relationship between 2 men as they struggle with themselves and society in 1960s America.

And wear super cool hats

 

I've just realised the movie is nothing like Titanic.

Fact fans may be interested to know that the original choices for the leads were Matt Damon and 'Marky' Mark Wahlberg. Damon turned down the role as didn't want to be typecast as gay following his role as Ripley, and Marky Mark was 'creeped out by homosexuality'.

"Gays creep me out!"

 

I first saw this film in the cinema, and have never seen it again since, as I don't think it would be as good when not surrounded by 50 middle aged queers sobbing.

They were doing something during this scene, wasn't crying though...

 

One final thought: If it wasn't for Brokeback Mountain, Harry Potter fans would be unable to enjoy Youtube clips like this:

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

What happens when an American Movie Exec sees a successful foreign film? They throw a strop and arrange for an American rip off to be made of course. And lo, that is what happened when they saw Priscilla. It is undeniable that To Wong Foo is a blatant rip off of Priscilla, its even got a ridiculously long and pointless title.

Good poster though.

However, as blatant rip offs go. This is one of the best.

It stars Dirty Dancer Patrick Swayze, John Leguizamo aka Lautrec from Moulin Rouge, and notorious tax avoider Wesley Snipes as three sassy ass queens that trek across a dustbowl county of the USA in a run down old car on their way to a drag contest in Los Angeles.

Fishy.

 

If that hasn't sold it to you, it also features a great soundtrack, and cameos from Drag Royalty RuPaul and Robin Williams.

And if that still hasn't sold it to you.... I mean seriously, Wesley Snipes in drag. How can you NOT be gagging to see this?

Fuck, yeah

 

I like to think there's a parallel universe somewhere where the movie is called “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Lee Meriwether”.

Or, even worse, Halle Berry

The Witches of Eastwick

You know how the last entry was about three drag queens trekking across the USA? Well this is about three biological women who stay in one place. In the USA.

Describing Cher as 'biological' may be a bit of a stretch

 

What's so gay about that? Well firstly the three women are Grease 2's Michelle Pfeifer, Susan 'Damnit Janet' Sarandon (more on that later) and “I only need 4 letters for everyone in the world to know who the fuck I am” CHER.

"That's right, I'm fuckin' Cher!"

 

Secondly the three women are witches who summon a satanic being (played by Jack Nicholson) to fuck them all. Seriously. They're all bored and horny and so engage in a ritual to bring someone to town to fuck them. Once Nicholson arrives he enhances the witches powers to enable them to float a bit, make people they don't like spontaneously vomit cherry pips, and have great orgasms.

"I'm a classically trained actress!"

 

The film is fun, sexy, dark and camp in equal measure, and demands to be seen.

The final twenty minutes are a tour-de-force of mayhem and without spoiling things, sees the women rid themselves of Nicholson, as they realise they don't need him. Oh, and he turns into a weird little shrivelled up thing. I wonder what that's supposed to represent...

Death Becomes Her

Following hot on the heels of the Witches of Eastwick, I bring you another movie where glamorous women romp around in a story that mixes up the mundane and the supernatural. Only this one is funnier.

Her head's backwards. LOL

In place of Cher, Sarandon and Pfeifer we instead have 90s screwball comedy stalwart Goldie Hawn and multi-Oscar winner Meryl Streep, in what I will allege is the best role of her career.

Better than Sophie's Choice

The two are life long friends/enemies and clearly supreme superbitches; and would be every queens' wet dream as fag hags.

For some reason unbeknownst to anyone, the two have both got the hots for Bruce Willis. In their efforts to stay young, beautiful, and secure the love of Brucey, they both procure the elixir of eternal life from Isabella Rossilini.

Slag.

The movie is, undoubtedly one of the most outrageous and camp films of all time. And is effectively a very glamorous zombie movie.

As glamorous as City of the Living Dead

  

Body of Evidence

An erotic thriller starring Madonna.

Is that enough to convince you? OK.....

Shit, where'd I put my clothes?

Following the success of Basic Instinct, some Hollwood genius/muppet thought what could be sexier than a sexy erotic thriller starring Sharon Stone. Why, a sexy erotic thriller starring Madonna of course!!

What could go wrong?

Madonna's star was falling rapidly. After being a huge force to be reckoned with in the 80s, following the release of her greatest hits package the Immaculate Collection in 1990, our Madge decided to stop making perfectly-crafted catchy pop songs, and instead release bass-heavy dirges where she breathed and had loud orgasms instead of singing.

But at least in a movie she just had to look sexy, take her clothes off and, er, act. That couldn't possibly go wrong, right? Right????????

Colonel Sanders said it best... finger lickin' good

Wrong. Firstly, Madonna had never been the kind of women straight men wanted to wank over. She was the kind of woman other women looked up to. She was the kind of woman gay men idolised. But sadly, straight men on the whole weren't turned on by her because of her image as a strong empowered woman. While she had started her career as a 'boy-toy', this quickly changed, and her image developed as a no-nonsense ball buster that made men in the 80s retract their dicks up into their bodies. So basically, the sex angle was a no-go from the start, as there weren't that many men who wanted to go to the cinema and ogle over her.

Even less wanted to ogle Willem Dafoe

Secondly, Madonna can't act. Thirdly, the script was abysmal. And fourthly, the plot was ridiculous shlock.

The film was nominated for an impressive six Golden Raspberries, though only won in the Worst Actress category. I bet Madge still has the award displayed fondly on her mantelpiece to this day.

I'm pretty confident it's the only acting award she's ever won

I may be giving you the wrong impression that I don;t like this movie. But you couldn;t be more wrong. I LOVE IT. Because it's so fucking terrible.

Julianne Moore was also in this movie. She doesn't like to talk about it.

The studio marketing team should have realised that the only people that would appreciate this movie would be gay men looking for a laugh. If they'd marketed it towards them, they may have actually made some money.

Queer Duck: The Movie

OK, so for everyone who’s getting bored of the empowered females, women-acting-like-gay-men, and Madonna, and just want some more all out balls out gay action….. I give you Queer Duck the Movie.

This may be ripped off from another movie

Yes it’s a cartoon, yes it’s low budget and yes the animation is very basic, but boy, is it fabulous.

Queer Duck started life as a series of animated shorts that aired alongside the first series of the American Remake of Queer as Folk. The series was so well loved and well received that the gang responsible had the batshit idea to make a whole damn movie based on Queer Duck.

Because he's that damn awesome

It may be cheap, it may be animated, but it’s very funny and has some brilliant musical numbers. All the main characters embody a gay stereotype, but again, who the fuck cares?

Not these guys that's for.... oh wait, I've used that one haven't I?

The plot (yes there is one) revolves around Queer Duck falling prey to a TV-Preacher who forces Queer Duck to undergo gay conversion therapy. No one is safe, as well as the punches it throws towards TV ‘ministries’ and gay conversion camps, a host of celebrities and personalities are read for filth, just as you would expect from a gay movie!

This is Liz Taylor, yes she looks much better in cartoon form.

By movie’s end you will have laughed, cried, sung, and will guaranteed to be feeling better about yourself as a person.

It's on Netflix, what are you waiting for!!!!

"I'm not an impersonator, I'm the real Liza!!!!!"

X2 - X Men 2

Another sequel! Are you keeping count?

Actually it's only 3.... so far

This one is a huge blockbuster of recent years starring noted homosexual Ian McKellan, Honorary homosexual Patrick Stewart, and Homosexual wank fantasy Hugh Jackman.

Stewart & McKellan in a deleted scene from the movie

The homosexual subtext of the X Men series have been often spoken about by the creative team, especially legendary queen McKellan. X2 is however the most concentrated gay of the entire film series.

And the gays all concentrated on Jackman's fist

Disapproving of Professor Xaviers school for gifted homos, the US government, under the orders of the evil Colonel Stryker, invade the school and drive all the X Men out of the closet.

A few of the heroes take refuge at the home of resident Ice Twink Bobby, but while his parents struggle to come to terms with their son’s burgeoning sexuality, his homophobic brother calls in the Police, and the gang only barely manage to escape.

But don't they look faaaaabulous in their leathers?

Meanwhile, Professor Xavier has been kidnapped by Stryker, who has a personal vendetta against the professor after his son turned into a homo and he believes the Prof had groomed him. Stryker’s son has since been lobotomised however to take away the gay.

Could be worse, could be Halle Berry... OH FUCK IT IS

Will Wolverine and friends save the professor? And what of Magneto? What indeed. Well you’ll have to watch it to find out.


Strangers on a Train

Look, Alfred Hitchcock was no shirt lifter. In fact, all accounts seem to indicate he was in fact a pretty notorious and nasty womaniser. However, during his long career of making movies adored by critics and luvvies he certainly made a few that veered on the homoerotic side.

Alfred Hitchcock.... women loved him

Of course, everyone knows about Anthony Perkins and his penchant for cross dressing as geriatrics, James Stewart and his thrill for bondage, and everyone knows about, even if they’ve never seen, Strangers on a Train.

It’s a story of two men, Guy and Bruno, who meet on a train (careful now) and hypothesize about ‘dong each others murders’, Guy needs rid of his slagtastic wife so he can marry his goody girl bit on the side (double standard anyone?) while Bruno wants shot of his Dad. Bruno comes up with the idea, probably because he’d like to take out Guy’s wife so he can have Guy all to himself.

"Why no, I'm not wearing any knickers"

Not convinced? Watch the damn movie. Any scene where there together is filled with testosterone heavy sexual tension, and it’s clear that Bruno was gagging to sit on Guy’s dick and ride him until morning.

Well.... who wouldn't

Farley Granger, who also starred opposite James Stewart in Rope, was gay in real life. Whether he unintentionally brought some of the homoeroticism himself or whether Hitchcock knew exactly what he was doing is a matter of debate.

Definitely the gayest movie released to cinemas in 1951 (except maybe Abbot & Costello meet the Invisible Man).

 

Tootsie

Look, Dustin Hoffman dresses as a woman. That’s really all you need to know….

Fabulous!

Pink Flamingos

As far as movies with Drag Queens in them go, yes I love my Priscillas, my Too Wong Foos, and Connie and Carlas, but surely the ultimate movie featuring a Drag Queen has to be John Water’s Shocksploitation Classic and self-proclaimed ‘Exercise in Bad Taste’, Pink Flamingoes.

The Filthiest Person Alive

Of course, despite Divine being one of the most infamous and outrageous Drag Queens of all time, her character in the movie is 100% bio-logical woman. The story follows Divine (which is also her character’s name) and her rag tag bunch of pervets who make money dealing heroin to school kids, with a sideline in kidnapping women, raping them, and selling the resulting babies to lesbians.

Hey, a girls gotta make a living!

For any gays that get ruffled feathers with being associated with utter filth like this movie, it’s important to remember that this movie effectively came out of the gay, underground subculture at the time (as all gay culture was underground and, er, sub, at the time) and both the director and leading actor were gay men. 

Don't ask

Anybody who tells you that the Human Centipede movies are the most depraved, shocking and disgusting movies ever made…. Have never seen Pink Flamingoes.

PART 4..... COMING SOON TO A GRINDHOUSE NEAR YOU