Duchess of Cambridge Gives Birth to Girl!

After hours in labour (while the Daily Telegraph helpfully kept track of the exact time by using a counter on their website), Kate 'Duchess of Cambridge' Middleton-Windsor birthed a baby girl.

The as yet un-named girl (that for the time we'll call Oprah) follows in the footsteps of her Uncle Harry as 'the second one'. AKA the one that no-ones going to care about for her whole childhood, and who will quickly be shafted down the line of succession as soon as her older brother manages to knock some bird up.

And who knows, maybe she'll look as good in combat wear

The only thing that Baby Oprah is going to have going for her is that she will undoubtedly be pimped out in various ridiculous dresses before she's out of nappies. Her one edge over her brother is that all the UK trash-loids are going to be showcasing whatever the hottest coutour is for a toddler based on what Baby Oprah wears.

Blancmange realness

The possibility always remains that as Georgy Porgy gets older he might resent Baby Oprah's ability to get tarted up in faaaabulous outfits, but rest assured should he ever fancy trying on his Mummy's clothes as revenge the Royal Handlers will beat it out of him, like they so successfully did with his Great Uncles Andrew and Edward.

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Still, enough of this frivolous nonsense. Let's all rejoice that another fucking baby is born into the country's most dysfunctional family. As the papers and tv news are briefly diverted from the election campaign to focus on hours on end of people standing in a street whilst nothing happens. I'm sure Kate and Oprah will be home faster than you can say 'unelected head of state'.

Things Could be Worse